Once upon-a-time I was born. My parents were Christians and that's all there was to it.

Growing up was growing up with the planting of a church. My earliest memories are of meeting in living rooms singing songs. My mum went into labour with me during a prayer meeting.

I was there at the start.

I grew and I started to see cracks in the plaster. Of course these moments of doubt passed as the mantras of "have faith" and "trust in Jesus" were trotted out along with the idea that doubts were what the devil tried to hurt you with.

Looking back I now know that "trust Jesus" was double speak for "the leaders are right, trust them" but back then I had no language to describe this.

One day at a Christian festival God spoke to me using my imagination. I imaged being given a number of things and a scroll to eat. I knew full well what part of the Bible that came from. So there was I scepter in one hand, sword in another wondering if I was day dreaming or being commissioned.

Time passed I forget about it and never did the "bible study" I was told to do to "research" the meanings of the items.

Then God spoke about getting ready for a great fight. Again nothing happened and time passed.

Then I was inspired to think of my Church as containing a dragon. I shared this with my Mum who was not in the least bit surprised.

My language for describing the cracks I was seeing was getting more comprehensive. Had I read the Bible for myself at that stage things might have been different or I might have been better prepared. As it is I was self assured enough to think I had all the answers and that I saw quite enough of the Bible, thank you very much.

Sadly all I saw were the rather lame guided studies that churches run with young people.

Well then I noticed that I was being groomed for leadership as part of the youth. I clashed with the youth paster regularly. I am a rebellious sort of guy and to my own self only am true.

Result - I had to be educated. It was explained that Jesus authority came from The Father (nodding been here a few times before) and jump of logic the pastors authority came from Jesus and the sub pastors from the paster and so on.

Right down deep something primal shouted "no that's wrong somehow".

From that moment on a golf existed between us and eventually through my own discovery of things I was ill equipped to deal with (you know relationships and real life) we parted company. I left and simply never went back (I'm stubborn and sullen by the way) and the rumour mill followed saying I'd been "kicked out". Which stung more than it should have.

Similar things happened years later and after a lot of hard things happening including but not limited to the death of a child to death and later the loss of a wife and child to adultery and aggressive stuff I'd still rather not talk about I found myself alone and on the short list of naughty Christians.

God spoke to me during all that. I was pledging to go through any amount of hardship to make right what was broken and his words clear as day right into my innermost person where: "That's enough! I can't bare to see you suffer any longer."

It was then that I knew that God is a nice person. I also understood what the Love of God is.

It seems that failing at anything (especially marriage) is bad and in a growing church a divorced bloke should not even help out with the computers.

Did I mention I am stubborn and quite unwilling to be slapped in the face.

You guessed - I left.

It helped that the same power games, the same claims to authority were happening - the same bullish, pushy attitude had arrived and I have a pathological hatred of bullies and pushy authoritarians.

Finally with "only" a Church of England establishment left I really had to do the one thing I had not done all these years.

I read the Bible and woke up.

It all started so simply. I was reading a website and the author was addressing was it okay for a Christian that was also a punk/goth/alternative to get a tattoo. I knew that conclusion was right. Deep down I knew it was but the argument had been badly fudged. For some reason the same pride that has kept me going down the path least trodden all those years compelled me to write my own article. (the whole thing is a multi-parter that I posted to this site)

I started at the beginning and finished at the end.

It was fascinating.

Also I discovered that the word "bullshit" and much of the teachings I had grown up with belonged in the same sentence. Each time I was able to put the gun of truth to the head of a lie it was like discovering Christ for the first time all over again.

I would talk at length to anyone who could not get away about this amazing discovery. I wanted to get in to those old churches and scream the truth to the people. I wanted to tell people that they don't have to sit in church feeling like pots of crap because being a Christian is so easy one need only see the truth and then remember to keep breathing,

It was all so nice.

Then I took on the subject of tithes because no one would answer my questions about tithing and the things God would direct me to do disagreed with the Church tradition. When a missionary couple confided that God had told them to spend it on their shopping too I knew something in the tradition was wrong.

I had some good stinging questions by the end of my first study - Is tithing to a church idolatry? Worse still does it deny the cross? Just as bad: in making people our leader do we surrender our birthright as blood born saints?

By this stage people were telling me to go to Bible college because I sounded like a second year student already. Bible college students would tell me I sounded like the lectures at the college.

There was no way that I was going to let some college or school steal or cloud the joy of discovery. I was damn well reading this Bible for myself and it was good.

Then I started to notice things no one ever preached on.

"It seems good to us and the Holy Spirit to lay on you no great burden than this..."

"The power of the Sin is the Law..."

Suddenly the truth came into my life and snapped a whole bunch of chains. The chains of 25 years growing up "churched". I saw the light and in the light I saw that the rules of humans and "leaders" made the cross of no meaning. I saw that there was a form of Godliness but with the power denied.

I had been lied to and the sad thing was I am not sure those who lied had any idea of the untruth they spread.

"Call no man teacher..."

"Call no man Father..."

These were just abstracts that didn't fit but were good for a round or two of Catholic bashing. Suddenly the penny dropped and I saw the truth.

"For those that are led by the spirit are like the wind - you know not where it has come from or where it will go."

It does not say led by a great pastor, vicar, abbot, guru, bishop, mentor or elder it says led by the Spirit.

"Call no man father..."

Paul wrote that the law was like a guardian that brought you under to Christ but now that you have Christ you have no need of a guardian. Suddenly the light was on.

It is also written in the Bible that Jesus the Christ is established as a high priest after the order of Melchizedekzedek (priest through appointment rather than inheritance). It is written that we are priest of this order and that Christ is the high priest. If a new order has come then the old order with its rules and regulations must pass away.

(See also: if any man be in Christ he is a new creation ... all things have become new)

I saw for the first time that tithes, leaders, and the whole power structure of a church right down to owning big buildings (the early church never seemed to do that) - all of it the whole institutionalization of it all was flawed more deeply than I can express.

In short it was non-biblical.

There was only Christ the head of the Church who leads each of us by his Spirit. Look at Paul - he was selected by God and so he acted. He was not trained or selected for what he did by Peter and the others all they could do was join in, bless it or stand aside.

Then comes the argument that I know some sweat foolish person will make. "we need our leaders as a covering..." or "we need our leaders to guide us"

You do not need crutches rise up and walk for goodness sake.

Then I here "yadda yadda answerability..."

First just to be obnoxious I don't see that word in the bible very much if at all. And second is it not true that we are all called to judge not the world but those who profess to believe as we do? (yes it's in the Bible).

Take, for example, Peter. Peter, praying, trace, gentiles house, Holy Spirit falls. Peter baptizes them. (that was the short version). The other ask him what he is playing at. Peter says what had happened and the others recognize that it is the Holy Spirit of God at work - they don't understand but they say "far be it for us to get in God's way"

That right there is the how church should run. Fluid, centreless, like the wind, powerfull, uncageable.

"Leaders" when we adopt them like that take God's place in our lives.

I have to say that casting off all the crap I'd carried around with me, fearfully tithing, fearfully seeking a "leader" to give me God (I was like a teenager still wanting to suck on a breast instead of eating real food) casting that all off made me feel so light, so free, so exactly happy and full of joy that I am never going back to slavery.

Did you know that Paul addresses "leadership" in a letter. He advises that the people elect a group of wise and spiritual people to be the spokes people for the area and to address those nitty-gritty hard questions when they come up (like should we force the law of moses on to non Jews?)

It had already been decided that the "we shall add no greater burden to you than this..." (if you want to know what those four things are read the book of Acts). So Paul would be going against the Holy Spirit to establish new rules.

This was his suggestion for a group of people most of whom were fresh in the faith.

My greatest sin was allowing other people to have the spiritual encounters for me and let me drip feed on it by proxy.

My greatest joy was giving up that Sin.

I've woken up and I have been born and I know why babies scream so much. Yes this truth that I finally ate upon is bitter in my stomach. I feel an anger and a deep helplessness as I long to set others free as I have become free.

I've shown you have good reasons to not like "leaders" as we understand them in churches or even churches as we know them. So now you can judge me - am I reacting to my pain or to His love? Think carefully because the implications are staggering.